Just bring yourself back up to reality. All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. If you intend to break the No Contact Rule, don’t do it just to spend a lot of time sending your ex pointless texts or making multiple phone calls as a friend. What is no contact? You kid yourself that this type of interaction does not count and that you can resume no contact where you left off, but you can’t. Unfortunately for men, it usually doesn’t work to get their ex woman back. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?". Go and work out at the gym. It's been a struggle and I still sometimes cry when I see something that reminds me of us. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. ut here's how people on Reddit managed to get over the person they thought was their soulmate. My ex broke up with me nearly 5 months ago. Getting back in contact after I broke … This means that he contacted you first and broke the no-contact. No contact is there for you to stay healthy and recover as quickly as possible. That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next. deleted facebook, but put it back today. Your heart is beating and you are excited to finally initiate contact with your ex once again after what seems like an eternity of the No Contact period.. You feel you are ready and can’t wait to show your ex the new you and get them to change their mind about you.. The saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is very true when it comes to breakups. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex. I wrestled and tormented myself over this, I watched YouTube coach after YouTube coach emphasize no contact but then go on to say that you shouldn’t ignore your ex if they reach out. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. My ex and I are still very much in contact,no official break up,he said he grew distant because i deserved more and he was a terrible lover,what's the possibility of him being my soulmate? The First Stage of No Contact Working: Curiosity. Truly Lost on January 7, 2009 at 5:30 pm . I just feel that if we had communicated better and earlier we might not even be broken up right now. Reddit. In short, you follow the no contact rule. Simply because the other person is your ex, is no reason or excuse to be rude, insulting, hostile, deliberately difficult, stubborn or intransigent. No contact is just that. No small talk, no information. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Around Christmas/new year we started texting again. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. I do want to talk and I want to put in the effort. Do not ever send any form of Birthday wish (just another excuse to cling to them),and do not respond to anything they send you (Just more breadcrumbs rubbish). Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system. The birthdays part. Made a fool of myself when we met. "s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. broke up with her on Sunday morning. It takes time getting used to not hearing from someone you normally talk to a million times a day. And it will merely serve to break your heart again. I’m really anxious that he’s gonna flake on meeting up with me, but I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself. It will be so much easier, because he will be curious why you suddenly stopped chasing him. But in the meantime, I would suggest keeping her at arms length and seeing and meeting other women, don't get into extended text conversations with her or text her first (at all, especially when she dumped you). If you make decisions based on emotional rationale, any arrangement is likely to fail. Sherry, 66, took her ex, 52, back even though he'd ended things eight times during their 14-year relationship. So right now, instead of fixating on, “Will he come back after he dumped me,” use this period of zero contact to channel all of your energy into becoming the new and improved version of yourself. Although the No Contact Rule is pretty explicit in cutting off all communication, you can tweak the rule in the following to help get your ex back. A. The thing is that I do believe many of our issues for the breakup are things they can be actively worked on. It can work again whether you broke it and reached out to your ex or even if you got back together and he or she dumped you again. That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. A. A. And this is ideally what you want. she's much stronger than I am and is probably on a better path to healing. A. Nobody likes being abandoned and they certainly don't enjoy it the second time. So treat her as such. I should probably stay off alcohol for a time, just in case :) I tried to surround myself with people, so I have to think about other stuff. Close. If I'm completely honest, no contact rule can even work thrice or four and five times. They wonder why you haven’t reached out and why you haven’t fought to get them back since most other people do. Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." I get it. Focus on yourself and make every day count. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. The site may not work properly if you don't, If you do not update your browser, we suggest you visit, Press J to jump to the feed. I asked him if he’ll come back he goes back n forth between I want to get my own place to maybe.... should I go no contact? You will never, ever get closure, from your ex. We all take different amount of times and go through different processes. A. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. sorry to take up your time with my thoughts, my chest is collapsing on me right now. Even if your ex broke up with you thinking you’ve cheated on him or her, you still have no proving or convincing to do. Whenever professional dialogue is required, keep to that. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. Q. Excellent post! Use your judgment. kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!" Maybe this Saturday so we have the headspace away from work and other things?”. As you said, you should go with no expectations. It's very hard because I'm not ready to move on yet I've accepted what's has happened and I'm just trying to do what's right for me and my daughter and let whatever else happens happen. I know closure is a myth, but I do think after 6 months of dating we should at least have a conversation about what went wrong, in person. Question: I’ve read many of your articles and answers and I think n/c if used properly is way more powerful than you give it credit for. He then said that if I wanted to talk and have a conversation about the reasons why the relationship wasn’t working for him that he would be willing to do that. This is a great set of rules. You want them to change their minds. not you have to avoid 3-4-5-6 social networks and messaging apps all designed on purpose to facilitate sharing and communication, the opposite of what I'm trying to do here. If so, more power to you. Cookies help us deliver our Services. even if i did the dumping, it seems I got the short end of the stick anyway. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. And never resort to spite, or retaliation; if you are obliged to do something, and agree to a specific arrangement - stick to it. What do I do now? A. Q. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. First of all, delete their number and block it. thank you, i need this. Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her. Be gentle with yourself. Posted by just now. I guess it just wasn’t enough, I don’t know...but if that’s still one of his lingering issues I don’t know if he realizes that he didn’t even give me a chance to get going so we could bike together. But that's not what No Contact is meant for. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable. They will either return out of emotional trauma (and the reasons why you broke up will remain) or they will see through the manipulative smokescreen and allow their pride to propel them to greener pastures. 371 Comments. Be the best 'you' you can be. The no contact rule can work twice. If he really cared, he would've simply apologized for how he made you feel. Press J to jump to the feed. Kids make it so hard. It's breaking all ties to your ex. Completely feel you on the social media thing. He has a tendency to make impulsive decisions and a few weeks before we broke up he had actually seemed like he wanted to break up because cause he got moody about wanting to be outside more, exercising together and seeing friends (within reason in a pandemic). They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them. Q. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Breaking no contact is dangerous. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. I still live with my ex. By using our Services or clicking I agree, you agree to our use of cookies. Do this every single time they try to text you. Just be very polite and business-like. Nostalgia is very bittersweet, understand what it means. I just have one question: what if you agree to be friends (she broke up because she didn’t want a bf and lose her independence), and in that time you’re still having sex, hanging out, she still tells you how attracted she is towards you, she kisses/cuddles, cares deeply about you, and even gets jealous?How to you go about it? No contact is just that. He reached out during the quarentine to ensure I was okay, then we started talking again during April, but the convo. Should anything be an impediment to this kind of contact, then you should avail yourself of a mediator, or legal representative, and keep as far as is humanly possible, from your ex. Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. Below is a set of rules pulled off of another forum. Fucking hell I did that pathetic "closure meeting" 1 week after NC because she couldn't handle NC and breadcrumbed me by asking about my feelings. And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It will set you back to the day of the breakup, forcing you to relive the day you got broken up with. A. The breakup itself was really bad and it took me at least a week to really get myself together and function. S. Reddit. Vote. Using No Contact is a mind game that only works on a very small percentage of women. 27-year-old Kimberly from LA said she and her ex, 29, broke up because of her insecurities. Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. To let go completely. Because, guess what? If you text them once because you’re in a hard place, don’t beat yourself up for it. A. I still love him... 0 comments. But realize what it represents is the past. Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. The more time went on the more stressed out I became at the idea that I needed to at least reply but let him make any further effort to contact me. How can I do the no contact … Some of these rules may not directly apply to you, even if they are the easiest way. Ensure that all negotiations, agreements and arrangements, are arrived at logically, not emotionally. I’m here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you …and it’s something you shouldn’t ruin. I doubt I could. 11 days later, he texted me to apologize, admitted he didn’t communicate or approach me about problems he was having and called himself selfish for stringing me along. When you’re in no contact, you are in no-contact indefinitely.. If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. Instead, you care about the components of how the no contact rule can help you win your ex back. I don’t want to try and change his mind. We had been fighting a lot the last months, and on the last fight see took off and ghosted me. Just hang out, have fun and hook up. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. But I understand not trusting me. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. If you need to keep a momentum in your sight because it’s too hard. so basically all the good things that happened in the relationship not come back to haunt and torment me. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. What if it’s ALREADY been 10-21 days or more since I last communicated with her? Make her contact you first. My ex dumped me on New Year’s Day, and it totally blindsided me. always went back to our same issue- he doesn’t want any more kids and I am not sure if I do (he has 2 with his ex … She’s not the type to keep me around because she really hates dating and is incredibly shy/self conscious. Always remember: Your main goal when texting an ex is to get her on a phone call with you as soon as possible, so you can then begin reawakening her sexual and romantic feelings for you. Question: I was into my fifth month of the no contact rule when my ex texted me. For several reasons. It certainly sounds like he wants to meet so that he can offload his guilt. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again? Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do? No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. freakin' addiction, man! The no contact rule is a technique to get your ex back but also an appropriate response to being dumped or broken up with. Don't answer if they call. My ex broke up with me on Christmas. A. I was genuinely shocked. I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true. If you need Counselling, by all means go. So glad there’s a no no for this. She said he is much more caring and loving than before and has let go of much of his disrespect for women, but she's still learning to forgive. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. She is annoyed that you didn’t try to get her back the normal way. It has been dragging on for about 8 weeks which is since the time we broke up. dumper's regret kicked in yesterday in the second part of the day and last night i almost texted her at 4am. Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing this or why have they said that? As to whether to believe me, I hope you do. No one likes it, especially the brokenhearted, but in order to really heal from a rough breakup, it's pretty much non-negotiable. Do something to occupy your mind. Can No Contact work a second time if you already broke it? So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are. Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose. technology only makes things worse. it's kinda ironic, come to think of it. If you happen to work together in the same workplace, ensure that all and any discussion in the workplace, is about work. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. I just got dumped after a 5 year relationship we have a 6 year old daughter together. No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on. Question: My ex-girlfriend says it’s over and there is no chance for us but she is still calling me and says things like it’s a shame it turned out like this and I saw you today and you looked sad. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. Works for most of the people, I have coached. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. And the better you look - the better you'll feel. If you want to make the time and effort to have a conversation that isn’t through text, let me know. After a month of no contact, he texted me about giving me back a mug and catching up. 6 weeks, 6 months or even 6 years won’t matter if the intensity of feelings is not mutual. I was in your stage a month ago. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex! A. Honestly I reached out to him three weeks after for "closure" (never, ever again) and it spectacularly failed. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Then she tells me everything great that’s happening in her life hinting that she’s somewhat dating but not really. if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain. Instead, you have to talk to your ex’s subconscious and make it seem like … The No Contact Rule is a technique that some people try to use to get their ex back after a breakup or a divorce. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the ExNoContact community, Looks like you're using new Reddit on an old browser. He wrote me back :thanks for your article on facebook and ur message as well hope things are good with you have to admit i think of u as well. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea? Be the first to end the conversation. Don’t beat yourself up if you break it. It’s natural to be angry and it’s natural for your emotions to overcome your senses. I’m scared that I’m making a mistake, but I’m not gonna back out on him. They may be respecting your wishes. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Don’t feel shitty if you can’t exactly follow these rules. What is the best way to get closure from my ex? Thank you for posting. I began No Contact the next day because he asked for space, so I gave it to him. Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message: "Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number.". The only reason you should go is if you truly believe that it'll help you move on. The no contact rule after breakup basically means that, for a period of at least two weeks, you should avoid any contact with your ex after you have broken up with them. Q. And if they are engaging in this game of telephone with your relationship, who’s to say the message won’t be bungled in transit on its way to your ex. What should I be doing to implement NC? Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....? What to do if your ex contacts you during no contact. Now I know there’s been no mention of reconciliation, there’s been no begging or pleading from either of us even though I want nothing more then to get back together. A. The normal way is to call her, meet up with her, re-attract her and reconcile. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway. Using the 'no contact rule' to get your ex back is a strategy that works well after a breakup. Otherwise, there's no need to reply. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you? If, for example, you need to discuss the children, or any custodial arrangements, just discuss the children and the custodial arrangements - and that's it. My ex broke up with me on Christmas. And I wouldn't try to convince him to change his mind. in the past it was enough to don't answer your phone or don't text. We are all different people, and we all think and heal in different ways. hide. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself. You may have initially tried no contact after a break up. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony. The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... that reminds me....I need some sweet peppers and tomatoes.". I was busy with uni work so we met 3 weeks later and we slept together because in that moment I decided I didn’t want to wait for him to come around. I couldn’t believe he texted me to begin with, but then I also felt like he didn’t deserve an immediate reply, if at all. In my humble opinion, it perfectly illustrates the rules and the do & don't of no contact. Q. You just have to be happy with who you are. But everyday I get stronger and reading this advice really helps than you. Q. Just always try to treat yourself better than yesterday. Now I am terrified and have no idea what to do! Firstly, it is not a matter of time. Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. Just think about this, you will be less hurt if you consider the NO Contact rule. It gives you space to get organized, to correct bad habits, and to find and action an effective plan. A. So on the 91st day, you break no contact, hoping to re-attract your ex. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway... Q. This is the only surefire way to tell your ex is ready to hear from you. In that situation, I would just keep it as iS. On the other hand, you may well have broken no contact by reaching out to your ex, albeit with mixed results. The rule for LC is that any contact is kept to the absolute necessary minimum. StumbleUpon. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. That doesn’t work, not surprisingly, so what do you do now? Someone who deserves you. What should I do?? Vent . You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. I know it’s gonna hurt so bad to see him again, but I can’t back out of this I think it would be a big mistake. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. You wasted those first 90 days. To accept what has happened. been together for only 4-5 months or so but it's been an emotional carousel for me from the very beginning. Q. No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on. How are you doing now? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. Unfortunately, you have to reset the no contact clock and start all over again. I haven’t said anything to excuse his behavior, I don’t even know right now if I can forgive him for what he’s done yet because I’m still hurting so bad. and painful. It eases their guilt. It's hard to get over any breakup — let alone one with a person you thought you would be with forever. Unfortunately, there is no real way to speed up the recovery process. Have kids together, NC is almost impossible went straight n/c for 4 months you win your ex heart you! About what you want to hear this!!!!!!!!!!!... Means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM 's absolutely. Using the 'no contact rule the pictures/photos/memories/gifts care about the components of how the no contact is meant.! Someone that still is struggling with going NC probably not, but I ’ making! 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